It's not a totally original idea, I hold my hands up to that, always a good idea faced by a man with a Walther PPK or a Beretta, depending on which book/Film. I'm sure they did it on Radio 4 sometime. If this was your writing, this is of course a deeply respectful hommage to your genius, not a blatant rip-off at all, of course not... But hopefully I bring a few original jokes to the subject. And I have to name-check Beyonce as my Bond 'girl' for this article - she knows how to use a subjunctive at least (If I Were a Boy).

So here goes with my "If James Bond Were a Chav" books:

  1. Bingo Royale. (definitely copied from a sketch. I remember the line: "So, Mr. Bond, your deal - do you require...chips?" "Please - and curry sauce!"
  2. F*** Off and Die. McCartney's "In this crazy world in which we live in" in the 'feem toon' ((c) Little Britain) is suitably ungrammatical!
  3. Swarovski Crystals Are Forever
  4. From Romford with Love. I toyed with Rotherham, purely in order to make a joke about "Rosa Clegg" (who also turns up in "For Your Thighs Only") but best to stick to the same number of syllables or where would we all be?
  5. Dr. Naaaaaah. In fact, everyone thinks of exotic locations chez Bond but Thunderball the book is set in, er, Maidstone. Hence the Sarf London whine (slurp, delicious. One of the benefits of global warming, Chateau Margate).
  6. The Spy Who Sh....Deleted due to visit from Mike Myers' "Copyright lawyer" - a very fat Scotsman. In terms purely of dress sense, not sexuality, Austin Powers is Bond-as-Elton-John. Michael Moorcock's Jerry Cornelius, purely on the same terms, is sort of Bond-as-Jagger. If you don't know M. Moorcock's oeuvre shame on you. See also "Goldmember" - another title I wished I'd thought of first. I believe Miss Beyonce actually appears in this one.
  7. On Her Majesty's Social Security (for those of us with a long memory of various government names for t'dole office over the years)
  8. You Only Live For Fluffy Dice
  9. The Man with the Golden Copy of the Sun