OK, so I don't live abroad abroad, but Wales is far enough removed from #scotland that I have been forced to answer the same questions time and time again. These are some of the statements I hear on a regular basis:

What do deep fried mars bars taste like?

Honestly? I don't know. This is primarily because I don't want to drop dead from clogged arteries at 40, but also because I genuinely don't know of a single place that would sell me such a thing.

Yes, we've heard of them and, yes, we know that, for some reason, Scotland is famous for them, but the vast majority of Scots wouldn't touch one with a barge pole.   

Plus: a few years back, #Mars put up massive billboards across the nation proclaiming their support for the #England #Football team, so a lot of Scots won't even eat a non deep fried bar now.  Talk about playing to the wrong audience. 

No, I've never chased a Haggis.

We know better than any of you that they're not real, even though we like to tease #American tourists by saying just the opposite.  This is just our sense of humour and we're in no way sorry to anyone we might have duped at any point.

However, it's funny when WE do it to you; it's not funny when you do it to us because we're already in on the joke.  We invented the joke. In other words: it's ours. Get your own jokes, ya bams. 

Yes, I'm aware we're rubbish at football.

Did you honestly think this was news to me? I'm SCOTTISH.  It's one of my nation's finest traditions to be hopeless at football and still manage not to cause a fight after a game and get banned from travelling. We're way too drunk for that nonsense.  

We might be crap, and we're all acutely aware of it, but it's almost unheard of for us to boo our boys off the park or have our media tear them to shreds at very opportunity.  Once you accept that you'll probably never qualify for another major tournament, it makes the whole thing so much easier to handle.  Along a few swift nips of whisky to numb the everlasting pain, obviously.

No, I'm not from Glasgow:

I know everyone's heard of it, but it's not the only place in Scotland.  It's not even the only city.  We have 6 more!! I know, it's a surprise to most non-Scots to learn that our country is a *touch* bigger than they thought, but it really is.

Also: Glasgow isn't the capital. That honour lies with #Edinburgh.  And, no, I'm not from there, either.  

Sorry, I've no idea why you don't understand me, either:

I speak English and have the amazing ability to understand accents from all across the world (even #Birmingham), so I genuinely don't understand why you don't have the same mad skills.

How is it that I have no issues comprehending you, but you stare at me like I'm speaking Swahili and then put actual subtitles on Scottish programmes?  You'll never get any better if you don't put some effort in, people! 

I swear, in a recent documentary about life on #Shetland, the BBC had subtitles along the bottom of the screen so their English speaking audience could understand what the English speaking Scots were talking about. It was fishing, in case you were wondering. And deep fried mars bars, obviously.

I don't have a Scottie dog:

It's not a law or anything.  We, like you, can pretty much buy any breed of dog we want. I mean, I know Scottish people that own English #Bulldogs AND I believe there's even a Welsh #Corgi or two in the Highlands.  

Don't get me wrong, we do HAVE Scottie dogs, but just not all of us. We're quite proud of our diversity up north, so we like to mix it up and keep it inclusive. We have absolutely no time for those Cockapoos, though. They're no even real dugs. #opinion